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1990-01-14
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232 lines
Fillers for the Bulletin:
Sometimes you can complain about the food to the chef, but it seems rather
futile to kick the vending machine!
If you can't boil water, you can't grow zucchini.
During the summer, lots of young boys go through a great deal trying to
prove that it actually IS suntan, and NOT dirt!
The lecture the doctor gives you on your weight is called a diatribe.
You know that they have accepted each other when she doesn't scream at him
for spilling something on the new carpet, and he doesn't get excited at her
because of the dent in the new car.
You know your jeans are too tight, if it takes pliers to get to your
wallet.
In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or
there is just one of it where there should be two.
Jogging has become so popular that I increased my pace from a plod to an
amble. Already, I had moved forward gear from shuffle to plod. I just
don't know if I can keep the pace!
Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition!
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
Progress results when you mix persistence with purpose.
Execute each act of your life as though it were your last, and in the end,
you will be correct.
When it comes to obscene phone calls, it's difficult to beat a wrong number
between l and 4 A.M.
Many joggers are simply pedestrians too fearful to walk.
If you hide your generic food cans at the bottom of the garbage can, you
can legitimately be called a snob.
Some people brag that they need only 5 hours of sleep in bed each night.
They may be correct, since there are more and more who sleep in the chair
while watching the thrills of the current TV season.
People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor!
Children solidify marriages by allowing that the parents now have someone
else to blame it on!
Things would go far better in this world if we had the courage to face the
fact that other nations have the ability to handle their own affairs!
A dull summer evening can be eliminated by one little ole hungry mosquito!
You are getting old if you can remember when you could tell what was in the
breakfast cereal by the taste of it!
With the cost of automobile insurance going upward the way it does, more
and more cars on the highway look like they survived a poorly managed
demolition derby.
Ah, the joys of deregulation. Now it takes an attorney to figure out
your telephone bill.
When you ask for a ballpark estimate on the cost of repairing the car,
it is a bad omen when the mechanic falls to the floor in hysterical
laughter.
Press conferences during the Reagan administration were quite expensive.
It was difficult getting that helicopter into the building, so that all
the President had to do was wave and utter gibberish which no one could
understand.
I last saw Elvis at the K-Mart, where he was selling the blue suede
special.
There are lots of folks who wouldn't trust Jim Bakker with even so much
as the sole of their shoe.
Channeling is when something invades your body and makes you talk funny
and say strange things...which is what happens to most people when they
drink too much.
I went to a Catholic school where the kids were so tough the nun taught
us art and how to draw composite sketches.
You know you are not well when your greatest secret desire is to appear
on a rerun of the Gong Show.
This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many
people. They had to settle for what they could get.
Since I went to school the Sisters who teach there are not nearly as
strict. Amnesty International got after them.
After seeing Oliver North on television, you can readily understand
why the Marines need a few good men.
It really doesn't matter who is President. They all end up sitting in
the Oval Office, sticking pins in a Dan Rather doll.
The real curse of sin can be understood by imagining that you are on
an island with just one other person --- Morton Downey.
(3)
There are so many bugs in our embassy in Moscow it is time for us to
send over a new ambassador - the Orkin man.
One of the few safe predictions for l989. People will die this year
that never died before.
You know this year is off to a bad start when your Mother invites your
wife to lunch and tells her about the continuous bed wetting that went
on through your college years...
It is not going to be the best of years when you discover that your son,
the football star, has had his ears pierced and is stealing earrings
from his grandmother.
Three ways to get the word out and about; telegraph, telegram and tell
someone a secret.
I have been asked to put something in here that touches us all. While
my intentions may be the very best, it is quite unfortunate that I know
next to nothing about toilet paper.
People dislike one word occupational titles. This is why Yuppies don't
like or have children, the title is one word; Mommy or Daddy.
New American Prayer: God bless mommy and daddy and President George Bush,
for at least as long as Dan Quayle is Vice President.
There is a certain inevitability to a couple of things. Death and taxes
come to mind. However, death doesn't get worse every time the legislators
come together.
Studies of studies seem to confirm what we already suspected. There needs
to be more studies of studies to find out what to do with them.
People continue to say that God made New Jersey. The problem is that it
did not pass quality control.
The real erosion of civilization as we knew it started with the popularity
of the self-service gas pump.
Television was better when it was radio. Now, two senses are offended.
He who lies down with dogs probably has a wife who keeps seven or more
cats in the bedroom.
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.
When you get right down to it, it is usually something you would not have
gotten right down to if you had known beforehand what you were going to
get right down to when you got right down to it.
When a body meets a body, it helps if both of them have read through one
or more times the pamphlet sent to them by Everett Koop.
When push comes to shove, you know you are in a garage sale, if there is
no blue light whizzing around.
Sampson's Secret: Hair and Steroids...
A poll conducted recently showed that American parents who raised those
many children who could not find the United States on a map can not find
their children on an average evening.
If it were not for reporters telling each other all the interesting and
wonderful things they did on weekends and some new breakthroughs in
rectal salves which doctors support, there would hardly be anything
worth watching on the evening news.
A new Sports Stadium was completed in Warsaw, Poland, recently. There
have been a large number of complaints about the design, since no matter
where you are seated, you are seated behind a Pole. (Sorry about that,
really, terribly so, awful much!)
When cigarettes are outlawed, only outlaws will cough.
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for mountain climbing.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away and does wonders for the fruit
grower too.
He who spends five dollars for entertainment on a truck stop parking
lot is apt to get far more than he paid for...
What this country needs is a good five cent cigar that sells for a
nickel and smells more expensive. This is not what we got right now.
When the roll is called up yonder, people who have paid their Book of
the Month bills on time will receive preferential treatment. However,
your mail will still come late, except for bills which will arrive the
day after they were mailed, even if from Kabul!
God made the world in six days, rested one and then started answering
the complaints.
God has a way of getting even, He allows 7 Bowl games to be played on
the same day.
Wearing a dress was Phil Donahue's way of dethroning Oprah Winfrey as
Queen of the Talk Shows.
Yasser Arafat was refused entry into New York because there are no
current openings for convenience store managers.
Jimmy Swaggart says let those Catholics have their silly bingo. He is
into stud poker!
(5)
Hope something here brought a smile to your face or at least blocked
constipation. If you want more of this type of thing, consult your
psychiatrist immediately. If he or she likes this material, change
psychiatrists immediately. Remember, don't brush your teeth with
gunpowder and then you won't go around shooting off your mouth. Now,
after that rather explosive remark, if you still persist in wanting
more of this type of thing, you are warped beyond redemption and the
cure for whatever it is that you have has not come in the mail yet.
Zerro will return, if you tell him you want more. Talk to Zorro on
the message board...be nice, or he may make remarks about you.